I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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