My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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