No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
