I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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