The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
jump out the window naked night went bad
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
