she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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