One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
