dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
