How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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