The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
