Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
