I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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