I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
