yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
