Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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