some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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