Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
