Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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