So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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