I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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