nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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