Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
