Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So here I am, sexting at work.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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