What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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