Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
