I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
