well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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