So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
