guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
