foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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