I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
