i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
