I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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