mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
