I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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