Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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