who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Michael Bay diarrhea
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
