I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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