so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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