if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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