fuck your aforementioned shoe
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
