i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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