Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
