my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
