ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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