Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
