Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
