Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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