I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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