Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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