I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
it glows. i had to have it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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