i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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