My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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