You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize