i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have fence marks all over my body
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
