I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
