You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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