If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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