toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
