Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The air taste purple.
Randomize
