I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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