I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
