I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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