im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
