I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the day after is always just damage control
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
