Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
